WASHINGTON, D.C. — Go anywhere in the world and ask a citizen of any country this question: Who is President Trump’s Chief of Staff? The answer, most of the time, will be almost correct. It would be totally correct if a citizen of any country could correctly remember the name Reince Priebus.
Recently, surveys have proven 99 percent of all people asked came anywhere near the name when they actually knew Reince Priebus in some form of a name.
“Rinse Preebs,” said a man on the street in Madagascar. “Reeses Pieces,” said a woman in Oslo.
No matter where the survey was taken, a mere 1 percent were able to correctly say the name Reince Priebus.
“This is partially because the name Reince is not a name,” said Mortimer Flubutton, an international expert on the history of given names. “Reince is a mixture of his first two names, Reinhold and Richard. This is not uncommon for parents to do after they assign many names to a single newborn. They wind up combining the names because no one wants to remember multiple names.”
Flubotton told us that other such combinations included Robert Abe Boatman, which became “Ropeaboat,” Samuel Ariel, which became “Samiel,” and Preston Orson Pullman, which became “Pressorpull.”
Reince has this problem with his name beyond the common folk. Members of foreign governments also devour his name with an attempt to pronounce it. Two members of the British Parliament massacred the name recently in a press junket that included a lot of opinion about the Trump administration.
“Ritz Primarybus,” said one British representative, “is not doing a good job.”
“Reenz Purpose,” said another, “is a strange chap, indeed.”
Other strange forms of Reince Priebus’ name from governement officials in the Far East, Middle East, Down Under and elsewhere include: Reep Pricewar, Reek Penis, Riles Peetmoss, Prices Right, Prays Reason, Peace Repus and Prince Righteous.
“It’s not even a matter of languages,” said accent specialist Calvin Jeans, “it’s a phonetic phenomena. These types of mass mistakes with names happen approximately once every hundred or so years, maybe less, maybe more.”
Jeans said that it was a problem with a recent Secretary of the United Nations whose name was Boutros Boutros-Ghali. The Egyptian diplomat’s mother “had a striking stuttering problem. She meant to name her son Boutros Ghali but when the nurse asked her what she would name the boy she stuttered, saying ‘B-B-Boutros, Boutros Ghali’ and the nurse, hearing the name Boutros twice, did not hear it as a correction of the stutter which attempted to pronounce the correct name once, and wrote the name Boutros twice on the birth certificate. So, the child’s official name became Boutros Boutros-Ghali.”
But that is not the end of the story, according to Jeans.
“The name was so odd and confusing that dignitaries and normal folk could not recall it correctly. Some called him Boohoo Golly, Bootoss Collie and even Buster Keeton. If it weren’t for a hit song that punctuated the name’s rhythmic feel, no one would remember Boutro Boutros-Ghali.”
Priebus also gets hundreds of prank calls on his private cell phone making fun of his name. People call, for instance, wanting to know “the times the Priebus departs from the station,” and if there is a “Postbus.”
Some who claim to have known Priebus as a teen-ager said they called him different combinations of Reinhold Richard. A man who told us his name is Rips McGrue, said, “In fifth grade Priebus was called Rino; in sixth grade someone called him Fishface and is stuck for a grade or two. Then in junior high he was called Rino Dick. That stuck until high school.”
“Yeah,” said a high school student who claimed to know Priebus as Rino Dick. “It was obvious. You take Reinhold and make it Rino and the nickname for Richard is Dick and there you have it. I always thought it was his real name, you know? It wasn’t until I was graduated from a top college where I majored in Chemical Warfare for the Lonely that someone told me Rino Dick was Reinhold Richard and that he got into the Trump administration. I hope he gives that gig up because I hate Tucker Carlson.”
Newt Gingrich was not available for comments.
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