Everyone is or isn’t under investigation, including those who are or aren’t under investigation

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The most damaging leak of all the leaks in the first five months of the Trump campaign may has been released, according to our sources that are sources so resourceful that no one can question the source-osity [sic] of that which comes from the sources lips.

The leak came early on June 22 and spread quickly.

The investigation of the President (which may not be an investigation at all), according to the leak, is intertwined with an investigation or no investigation that has numerous tentacles that reach out or do not reach out to “everyone,” as the leak specifically indicated. Though it is hard to believe, considering the massive number that makes up everybody, the leak swore that everybody in and out of the U.S. government is or is not under investigation.

“I called the Census Bureau,” said Ira Standforth, who has been covering investigations for his entire life in the media, though he runs a dry-cleaning business in New York. “If there is an investigation on everyone, I could report on specific people I know. That would be fascinating to the people I don’t know who may or may not be a part of an investigation.”

Treselle Bindabook, a blogger of legal issues on The Hill, wrote about the leak in her blog only moments after the leak spread to bloggers. She wrote:

“There is no legal precedent but there is a legal President and that President is possibly sharing more of his American status with more people than any President. That includes the millions of illegal voters who put in a ballot for Hillary Clinton and the invisible people who made up the largest crowd to ever watch an inauguration. It’s astounding.”

We contacted a law firm whose staff may or may not be under investigation and asked Curtis B. Lonefire, Esquire, the senior lawyer, if he has an opinion about everyone or no one being investigated. “It’s like the song lyrics say, ‘all or nothing at all,’ and if it turns out everyone is being investigated, I think that phrase is going to show up in everyone’s file.”

That brought up a question that no one seems to be able to answer. If there is an investigation on everyone and each of the number of people that makes up everyone has a file, where are those files being kept? There are, after all, already millions of files in the offices of the FBI, so where are so many more as may have been created stored?

“You don’t store new files because you have to use them,” said Wittimer Quaile, an expert of files and archiving files for most of his life, though he also helped design the modern hammer. “Files are living things. You add to them and subtract from them information that belongs in them, which is usually labeled. You would not store files in use, only files that are out of use.”

“I feel honored to be investigated and I hope I am,” said Benjamin Tailgate, who was an adamant Trump supporter and had a vaguely resembling tattoo of the President carved into his left arm. “because that just brings me closer to the President, though I am not happy about feeling closer to all the people in the everybody category that I dislike a lot.”

“I don’t know why anyone would investigate me,” said Beatrice McOfficesupply. “I didn’t vote and I don’t work and I never been to Washington and I cannot name the three branches of government. Neither could my father and his father before him. So what’s to investigate?”

A lawyer who said he was one of the latest lawyers to be hired by the administration after the leak was released, said, “Let me make this crystal clear: everyone cannot be under investigation because that would mean even the investigators would be under investigation since they would be included in the definition of ‘everyone.’ Having said that, it is important to know that if anyone or two or group of people are said to be under investigation, it is possible—and again, to make this crystal clear—they are not being investigated. To be investigated does not legally mean a person is under investigation. So, it is clearly crystally [sic] understood that either may or may not be true. It’s both hard and easy to tell but hardly easy to tell.”

“I agree,” said every other lawyer that may or may not be under investigation.

One of those lawyers, by the way, said that included in the everyone category is Tucker Carlson, who many people either like or dislike.

Newt Gingrich was not available for comments.

 

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