WASHINGTON, D.C. — Political Pulp has learned that in order to keep President Trump safe, on schedule and fully awake for his European trip, Air Force One brought along at least seven Donald Trump look-alike imitators.
“It’s a big secret,” said a source that would not reveal his or her identity because the Donald-Trump-look-alike-imitators are meant to fool everyone each time one of them appears in the place of the President, “and the plan has been worked out to the utmost detail.”
The source—and other sources that would not reveal themselves but are said to know a lot about the plan—said the President’s security team expected mobs, protesters and anti-Trump rallies like the one that took place in Hamburg.
“There was no way to assure that the President could even find his way to his limo,” said one of the sources while sweating profusely because he or she knew that someone may be listening, “so we have fake Trumps in fake limos driving all over the various sites where the President is staying, speaking, eating and getting in and out of his limo.”
We asked a source if anyone would be able to identify the actual President and he or she said, “No way. All the sightings of all the President Trumps will be ‘Fake Views,’ which is our little joke in the security force.”
When we leaked this item to Randal Misfortune, a Conservative blogger who has an audience primarily of men who suffer from E. D., he said, “This is nothing new and I expect that there are also a number of Putins walking around that are imitations. It’s a smart move because there are violent people out there who think that President Trump’s approval numbers should be lower than the high teens.”
When our original source discovered that we leaked the item to Randal Misfortune, we asked if the source knew of Misfortune because he was a reader. The source, at this point, obviously a male, said, “There is nothing wrong with my sexual prowess. I know about Misfortune because I saw him on the Fox News channel.”
Finding Donald Trump look-alike imitators, it turns out, was not difficult. Secret Service clerks found at least twenty-five resumes of men who were hired to show up at parties as Donald Trump. We contacted one of them located just south of the Trump Hotel in D.C.
Seth Wetherbury, 62, said, “I have been disguised as Donald Trump since his TV show began and because it was a hit I have had steady work. Then when he announced he was running for President things actually slowed down for me because tens of other Donald Trump look-alike imitators came out of the woodwork.”
Quenton Biles was one of them. We found Quenton just before the President’s European trip. Quenton was in his one-room apartment putting his bed back into the wall and locking his suitcase when we entered.
“The door was open, Mr. Biles,” I said as he jumped from being startled.
“Who are you guys?” Biles said, nervously. “You don’t look like the agents.”
We told him we were not from the President’s security team. We identified ourselves as reporters.
“Why do you want me? I’m not news,” Quenton said, clutching his luggage.
“We want to know if you are leaving on Air Force One to accompany the President to Europe as a Donald Trump look-alike imitator.”
“No, I am not. That’s just what I do for a living,” he said.
“So you know nothing about the team of Donald Trump look-alike imitators accompanying the President on his European trip?”
“You were told to say nothing, correct?”
“Yes and no but mostly yes.”
“You are on your way to the White House to sign in as one of the Donald Trump look-alike imitators, correct?”
“Correct and incorrect but mostly correct. I’ll tell you more if you keep my identity a secret.”
Quenton confirmed the job and as readers know now, we lied about keeping his name a secret. Unless we have lied about his name being Quenton Biles. It could really be Sammy Tinfoil or Thomas Uranium or Will Doer or Stanford Cumberbun or Atlas Shrugged or Timmy Tyler or even Beatrice Thunderbolt.
There is no way to positively identify any Donald Trump look-alike imitator if you are watching television reports of his trip. Suffice it to say that each Donald Trump look-alike imitator has been scripted and coached to go off script well enough to fool anyone, even Tucker Carlson, who even Randal Misfortune greatly dislikes.
Newt Gingrich was not available for comments.
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