WASHINGTON, D.C. — The appointment of President Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, addressed the six-month long quagmire between the President and the press.
“The response,” said an unnamed source from inside the White House, “Is something like, ‘Yo, you didn’t see dis one comin’ so don’t expect to see any more comin’.’”
Scaramucci, known to most by his nickname, “The Mooch,” is by definition, Mafia, that is, “well-dressed,” and he comes off as the kind of guy who would defend John Gotti to the end (which came for Gotti while in prison some years back).
“There’s nothing criminal about the Mooch,” said a friend who claims to know him from high school when he sold him stilettos. “Dis guy is a real guy, a man whose words mean sumptin’ and whose actions are louder than his words, if ya know what I mean.”
Also a long-time friend of the President, the Mooch has a “stand-up reputation” for being a sharp businessman who, “no matter what happens for him to close a deal, people realize it’s only business, nothing personal.”
White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, according to even more sources, is no fan of the Mooch and has “already gotten pissed” at how the Mooch is handling leaks.
Sources indicate that when the Mooch asked the FBI to investigate Priebus for being the producer of leaks, Priebus went into a West Wing closet and “cried like a two-month old without a rattle.” A source from the Mooch’s camp said, “Rice Peebus [chuckle] is a wimp, a little pimple, a chalk-faced kid with two knees made of Playdough. You remember that toy? Playdough, the clay-like crap that looks like [expletive deleted]? Yeah, Rice Peepee U.S. [chuckle] will fold like a notebook page.”
It has been rumored that the Mooch will fire anyone getting in his way, which means anyone working at the White House who doesn’t love the President with abandon.
“Mooch isn’t just loyal,” said a man with one eye who claimed he had two eyes before going into business with the Mooch, “he expects better loyalty from all who he is loyal to. And with loyalty, as they say, comes love, and Mooch loves the President.”
Mooch said a number of times in public that he loves President Trump and has even before Trump was President and even when Mooch said awful things about Trump on TV news shows.
“They play games, word games,” said a man who is writing a biography of Mooch in an undesignated room somewhere in some city, “and they only use the words they know to play the games, so love and loyalty always come up because those are two of the words they know.”
The biographer also revealed (at great risk, he said), some of the names Mooch went by before he gained a lot of public exposure. These names included Scarmouth, Tony The Tooth, The Mooch Ant, Mucci Mucci Bang Bang, The Necktie Terror of The Bronx, Loverboy Mooch, Boss Mooch, Mooch To Do About Nuttin’, and Bob.
Ultimately, the consensus is that Mooch is just what President Trump needs to massage his ego, but others think it may be a dangerous move because Mooch will eventually taste Presidential power and may wind up challenging Trump in 2020, “if Trump makes it that far,” said another source that claims to have been a friend of the Mooch and once saw him eat a live mouse.
“Mooch could wind up to be Trump’s running mate,” said the source. “Pence is a pushover and may wind up crying on a park bench with Rice Pussbuss come 2020. The ticket will be Trump/Mooch and they will make America Great Again by making it an offer it can’t refuse.”
Newt Gingrich was not available for comments.
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