WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Trump’s approval ratings lower than any President has recorded since such ratings were recorded, prospective challengers are gearing up for big campaigns against the incumbant.
The number of possible candidates is increasing even as you read this. People from all over the country in major, minor and yet-to-be-established political parties are surfacing.
“We figure,” says O. Regano from Sagebrush, Indiana, “that Trump broke the mole—or is it mold? Nuther words, anyone can become President if they are elected. Doesn’t matter where you are from, how much money you got or if you ever went to school.”
O. Regano is one of tens of thousands now filing petitions and other paperwork necessary for them to get on ballots in 2020.
“The state voting bureaus,” says Rickity Split of the Louisiana Voting Bureau, has been swamped with petitions. Of course we are used to being swamped with alligators here in the Bayou but you really wouldn’t think so, right?”
In Rhode Island, arguably the smallest state in the U.S., though anyone arguing for that fact will win, more than half of the small population is in the process of filing petitions to run for President.
“The laws don’t allow certain ages to file as candidates,” says Bee Hive, a Rhode Island administrator of voting in the smallest state of the U.S., “so we are rejecting the ten-, eleven-, twelve-, thirteen-, fourteen-, and others before the age of thirty-five or whatever the minimum age that is legal to run for President, and we are still left with thousands of petitions.”
In Ohio, a plethora of people from the newly developed Plethora Party is registering to run Presidential campaigns. Party-head Dick A. Round is expecting that hundreds of candidates will be on the ballot, at least in their state.
“It’s so early,” Dick says, “that the final number of accepted candidates just from the Plethora Party will outnumber the number of precinct voters that aren’t running for President.
Mr. A. Round says everyone is very confident they can win the office, which would mean beating the incumbent and hundreds of others from the same state.
“The farmers in the state are especially excited about their chances,” says Dick.
Among those farmers set to launch their campaigns are some of the state’s prolific agricultural workers, including Ollie “Ollie” Oxenfree, Pretorius Standtall, Robert Griddlecake and Pick Andshovel, whose great, great, great grandfather planted the first tree in one of the first counties founded in the state.
“This is going to cost states millions of dollars,” says Al Gorithum, a Michigan election administrator. “There will have to be many new and expanded voting booths just to handle the ballots. If many candidates get on a lot of states’ ballots then the ballot will be as big as a stadium scoreboard.”
What would that do to the time it takes for citizens to vote?
“There could be a three-day wait,” says Grace Saving, who handles voter registration paperwork in Nevada. “This means changing the laws, making the general election a week long, at least, so everyone, including the candidates, can vote. We’re looking at a major traffic problem and a lot of impatient people looking to crack some heads, if not just get violent.”
There is no word from the two major parties about all of the vagrant candidates trying to run. Wait, there are a few statements from the two major parties, I simply lost my notes about them before writing this paragraph. Here are some of the comments:
Democrat strategist Wood Upee says, “It’s the darn’est thing I ever seen and I seen a lot. Like the time my nephew climbed a tree to get his pony down safely. I ask you, what kind of pony gets stuck in a tree?”
Republican strategist Curt Tenrod says, “Remember that the incumbent is a Republican, so to have this many challengers when the party already has a President in the White House is more strange than antlers on a groundhog. It’s even weirder than hunting a mongoose at a pull-over lane on an interstate highway.
Liberal Party strategist Skip Toomalou, says, “There are a few times in history that incumbents were challenged. I mean incumbents are always challenged but in their own party it’s an odd thing, odder than two milking cows doing the mambo in an outhouse or sixteen American Legionnaires having a who-could-spit-the-farthest contest during a Labor Day parade in the rain or a truck full of dust or a sharpshooter trying to commit suicide and missing, you know?
“I think a lot of these so-called candidates will drop out well before the deadline to have all of the papers filed,” says national voting expert Rip Tide. “You have to figure most of them won’t have money to do TV commercials and the rest will change their minds about running because of sickness or health and the few left after that will come to their senses, those senses including sight, hearing, taste, feeling and, well, what is the other one? There are five senses, correct? Sight, hearing, tasting, feeling, tasting what you feel, hearing what you taste. That’s five, correct?”
Other reasons many people want to be President are plentiful. Here are a few random reasons we collected from people filing to be a candidate:
“You get grilled cheese sandwiches whenever you want.”
“At the White House they have butlers and maids. Tell me, where the frick else do you see butlers and maids?”
“I like to travel and a President goes a lot of places.”
“I can do away with taxes. If not for everyone, at least for me.”
“Like Moses, you get a staff.”
“This country as gone to pig mud and I want to clean it up so even pigs can live decent like.”
“Being a woman, I want to be the first woman President. If you don’t count Nancy Reagan.”
“To make history is the most important thing a person can do. To make up history is the second most important thing.”
“Because I hate Tucker Carlson.”
Newt Gingrich was not available for comments.
Check out more from Frank Cotolo on his official website http://www.148.ca/frank
Other books by Frank are for sale via http://www.148.ca/frank/pvc.html